One year later

It's been a little over a year since I first noticed the lump in my neck. I'm still trying to accept that the cancer diagnosis from January was real, so it's taking a while for it to sink in that it might already be gone. I'm trying to cultivate humility from this experience, but it's so tempting to pump up my ego after what I've been through. One of my friends, who is also a cancer survivor, mentioned that she feels like a rock star now. I do feel like a bit of bad-ass for being able to continue going to school and working full-time while going through chemotherapy. But I couldn't have done it without all of the support I received. First and foremost, I am so grateful to have Mark in my life. We grew closer during this time, and he courageously stayed by my side even during the times when I suspect it was harder for him to deal with things than it was for me. I am also so thankful that I had access to the medical staff and resources that provided treatment- thankful for their services and thankful to my family for being willing to provide a financial safety net when I needed it. Mark and I were both overwhelmed with the response we received from our Kalamazoo family- so many meals provided when we needed them most. Another thing I'm grateful for is the work I have the privilege of doing- it kept me focused but also just distracted enough to make meaning of life as I question how much time I have left. My schoolwork was flexible and also gave me a creative outlet when I needed it. Thank you to my professors who were willing to work with me, and even helped me get scholarships and acceptance into the BFA program. The list can go on and on.

Looking back at the last 8 months, I think I was operating on a very basic level- that of survival. Now that I'm in a relatively "safe" medical place, some of the thoughts and emotions I'd put aside to stay focused on survival are starting to surface. The first thing I'm noticing is some anger. I'm not sure what to do with it, but I suppose I just feel mad about the fact that this happened to me. I may even be slightly blaming myself for getting cancer or for having to chose to get chemotherapy. I'd like to be able to let that go- I understand intellectually that it's not helpful to hold onto anger, blame, and guilt. Having slightly numb hands during the night, or even during the day, is a fairly constant reminder that some serious chemicals have been in my body. I appreciate that they tamed the B-cells that were acting up, but I'm also a bit worried about what else they might have done. With school starting again this fall and work staying steady, I feel busier than ever so again that distraction is helping me by not giving me a lot of spare time to ruminate on such things. I will do my best to take time to practice gratitude for now. Thanks for reading. May you be well.

PET #4 Results- great news!

I got my PET scan results earlier than expected, and they showed that the lymph node in question is considerable smaller and less active than it was during my last scan on July 15! In fact, the sugar uptake was almost normal (on a scale of 0-40 where 2 is normal, it came in at 2.1). I will have another scan in 3 months and then my oncologist says I'll be "done." Whew!