On Monday, Mark and I made the 1:40 drive to Ann Arbor for a visit to the U of M Reproductive Health Clinic. I was only expecting to hear that my ovarian reserve is depleted and that they weren't willing to re-order bloodwork that was done in January that indicated my AMH level was low enough to be a poor candidate for fresh IVF. Instead, we left the office with plans to start an IVF cycle in June. The doctor reauthorized the bloodwork and said that the numbers aren't the only indicator of my ovarian reserve. She said that we'd get more information from stimulating my ovaries with hormones and seeing if/how they develop follicles. So our plan was to wait another 10 days or so for my menstrual cycle to reset, then I would start taking birth control pills to create a clean slate for the next cycle. The next day, my period started, as if my body is saying "LET'S DO THIS!!" If you refer back to a blog post from December when my port was removed, you'll see that my body has been pretty responsive in telling me what it's ready for.
So here are some of the possible outcomes from our upcoming experiment:
Option 1: Follicle stimulation is incredibly successful, we transfer 1-2 fertilized embryos and I get pregnant, and if there are extras we freeze them for future use.
Option 2: Follicle stimulation goes well enough, we get one embryo and hope that it works.
Option 3: Follicle stimulation indicates that my ovarian reserve is depleted and we skip the retrieval and thaw/transfer some embryos we "put up" last spring. I get pregnant anyways!
Option 4: Follicle stimulation doesn't work, and we decide to wait to get pregnant until we've had a chance to process this experiment.
There are certainly other scenarios that may play out, but it's good to have options! It didn't take me long during the doctor's visit to adjust from what I was expecting to hear to what we were actually hearing. At first I was scared, but then I opened my heart and it felt like the right time to just go for it. There will never be the perfect time to try to get pregnant. On this timeline I would be just entering my third trimester when I graduate and then I'll be able to join Mark in California.
Earlier that same day, we dropped off my print at the Ann Arbor Art Center. On Friday, we went back to Ann Arbor for the Artist Reception and found out that out of 28 prints, mine had won 3rd prize! We have been advised by our healer friend Jorge to focus on the number
three, so Mark pointed out that the third place award was significant. The print will be on display for a month or so, and I'm hoping that someone will buy it. I've already sold two prints from that edition of seven, and I gave one to the student print archive at WMU.
Today I ran a 5K at Lake Village Homestead Farm. It was cold at first, but I warmed up during the run. I reflected on the powerful fact that I would not have been able to sustain a run for that long a year ago. I remember my heart pounding just from walking up a slight hill in our neighborhood last spring. It was certainly a challenge this morning because I have not been running, but the setting was beautiful and I just focused on my breath. I'm happy to be sitting here with a warm cat on my lap right now, and will lay low for the rest of the day.
May you be well!
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
Year after Chemo #4
A year ago today I was going in for my fourth treatment of R-CHOP. I'm so grateful to have some distance from the entire experience- I forgot to note the passing of the year-after mark of treatments 2 and 3. It's such a gift to not have to think about it, yet most of the time if I slow down it catches up with me pretty quickly. Yesterday was the first day since last fall that was warm enough to sit outside in a short-sleeved shirt and be comfortable. There were peepers (Michigan tree frogs) chirping away as dusk settled in, and I was reminded of all of the sounds of summer that are coming our way. We'll get to open our windows and our hearts now that the air is warming again. I've been going to a Yin yoga class with a friend for a few months where we're learning to slow down and "undo" by stretching our connective tissues with gentle reclined poses held for long periods of time. It's a nice addition to the more active or Yang yoga I've been exposed to in the past.
This week, I signed up for some shared studio space in the Park Trades Center here in Kalamazoo so that I'll make some art this summer instead of leaving all my gear in the closet where it won't get messed up by the cats or a wet basement. I'm enjoying my new website (www.ericabarajas.com) and have had one of my prints purchased and accepted into a few exhibitions outside of Kalamazoo. It's nice to have the validation and to have people connect with my work. I don't want to get too attached to that validation, but it's nice to have some for sure.
Mark has been analyzing statistics and will likely defend his dissertation in June. He's moving out to the Bay Area in July sometime, and I'll drive out there with him and fly back. I'm not graduating from WMU until December, so we'll do the long distance thing for a little while and then I hope to join him out there. I applied for a printmaking fellowship at Kala Art Institute in Berkeley, which would give me free studio access and a nice stipend for a few months. I will probably have to find a "Day Job" soon after moving there but it would be great to have a little buffer and some free time in the studio to celebrate my graduation and treat myself after all the hard work I've done in Michigan. It will be sad to leave behind all the good things about Kalamazoo (there are so many!), and I will miss the inspiring people I've met (also so many of them!). Luckily I have the rest of the year to spend here so I can soak it up and be able to say goodbye before I leave.
I'm going to Ann Arbor on Monday to see the doctor at the U of M Reproductive Medicine Clinic. In January, I had my hormone levels checked by them to determine the state of my "ovarian reserve." Based mainly on the measure of AMH on Day 3 of my cycle, they determined that my success rate of doing fresh IVF would be less than 5% (this also means I would be highly unlikely to conceive naturally). I feel pretty skeptical about that claim, partially because I don't want it to be true, but also because I have had two experiences with lab results being interpreted definitively (at the time) by medical staff where it wasn't as definitive as they thought. Each person's body reacts differently to treatment. I was told after my first post-chemo PET scan that the cancer wasn't gone yet. Three months later, my scan was clear. When I had my estradiol and FSH levels tested in late 2013, my primary care physician said it was highly unlikely that my period would return and that I was in menopause. Since then I've had five normal periods in a row on my old schedule. So while I don't want to be stubborn, I also don't want to rely of one set of data to decide something about my future. I suspect that doctors are under a lot of pressure from their clinics and insurance providers to only order medically necessary tests, but it does set up a power dynamic where I'm not allowed to know my hormone levels unless I've been given permission by a doctor. I don't think I can just walk into a lab and get them to draw blood and test it. One thing makes me feel a little better about having to go to Ann Arbor... I was accepted into a print exhibition at the Ann Arbor Art Center, and it just happens that the day to drop off my work there is the same day I already had an appointment to go to U of M. Thanks for the synchronicity!
This week, I signed up for some shared studio space in the Park Trades Center here in Kalamazoo so that I'll make some art this summer instead of leaving all my gear in the closet where it won't get messed up by the cats or a wet basement. I'm enjoying my new website (www.ericabarajas.com) and have had one of my prints purchased and accepted into a few exhibitions outside of Kalamazoo. It's nice to have the validation and to have people connect with my work. I don't want to get too attached to that validation, but it's nice to have some for sure.
Mark has been analyzing statistics and will likely defend his dissertation in June. He's moving out to the Bay Area in July sometime, and I'll drive out there with him and fly back. I'm not graduating from WMU until December, so we'll do the long distance thing for a little while and then I hope to join him out there. I applied for a printmaking fellowship at Kala Art Institute in Berkeley, which would give me free studio access and a nice stipend for a few months. I will probably have to find a "Day Job" soon after moving there but it would be great to have a little buffer and some free time in the studio to celebrate my graduation and treat myself after all the hard work I've done in Michigan. It will be sad to leave behind all the good things about Kalamazoo (there are so many!), and I will miss the inspiring people I've met (also so many of them!). Luckily I have the rest of the year to spend here so I can soak it up and be able to say goodbye before I leave.
I'm going to Ann Arbor on Monday to see the doctor at the U of M Reproductive Medicine Clinic. In January, I had my hormone levels checked by them to determine the state of my "ovarian reserve." Based mainly on the measure of AMH on Day 3 of my cycle, they determined that my success rate of doing fresh IVF would be less than 5% (this also means I would be highly unlikely to conceive naturally). I feel pretty skeptical about that claim, partially because I don't want it to be true, but also because I have had two experiences with lab results being interpreted definitively (at the time) by medical staff where it wasn't as definitive as they thought. Each person's body reacts differently to treatment. I was told after my first post-chemo PET scan that the cancer wasn't gone yet. Three months later, my scan was clear. When I had my estradiol and FSH levels tested in late 2013, my primary care physician said it was highly unlikely that my period would return and that I was in menopause. Since then I've had five normal periods in a row on my old schedule. So while I don't want to be stubborn, I also don't want to rely of one set of data to decide something about my future. I suspect that doctors are under a lot of pressure from their clinics and insurance providers to only order medically necessary tests, but it does set up a power dynamic where I'm not allowed to know my hormone levels unless I've been given permission by a doctor. I don't think I can just walk into a lab and get them to draw blood and test it. One thing makes me feel a little better about having to go to Ann Arbor... I was accepted into a print exhibition at the Ann Arbor Art Center, and it just happens that the day to drop off my work there is the same day I already had an appointment to go to U of M. Thanks for the synchronicity!
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