The Beginning

I wrote this post back in November, but did not publish it until now. I had hoped I wouldn't need to make it public.

I noticed a bump on the right side of my neck sometime in late August 2012. I didn't have a doctor look at it until I happened to be at the Student Health Center in late August receiving treatment for a feral cat bite. I took antibiotics at that point and was told that if the bump didn't go away with the antibiotics I should get it rechecked. It didn't go away, so I got it rechecked and was referred to a general surgeon for a biopsy. A needle aspiration biopsy on October 8 simple stated that it was negative for carcinoma and that if lymphoma was a concern, a tissue biopsy should be performed. I had that tissue biopsy on Thursday, November 1, and am now "playing the waiting game" until we hear back from the pathologist/surgeon combo. We had been given hope that we might get some info by the end of the day yesterday, but it's now clear I won't know anything for at least another 36 hours. Generally I've been keeping my mind off of it by watching "Breaking Bad" which may be making me feel worse when I'm not watching it. The sun is out, but it's cold and I'm not allowed to cuddle with Javier because the 2 inch incision on my neck hasn't healed and won't for another week at least. I saw an ENT doctor on Tuesday October 30 who immediately shared that "that thing's gotta go" when she walked into the exam room and saw my neck. Up until then, I had some real hope that this was something besides cancer. But she was pretty convinced that it's lymphoma mainly because I've been otherwise healthy leading up to the lump. The lump didn't hurt at all until I got the needle biopsy, it got swollen and tender and then got better. But last Friday I went lap swimming and it felt weird and then my tonsils swelled up on Sunday morning and eventually I was having a hard time swallowing even water. I started taking a new round of antibiotics on Tuesday night and perhaps that's why I can swallow again. My appetite is fine and other body functions are working as they were intended.

I will be shocked if the pathology report comes back positive for cancer. But I won't be surprised. This shit happens all around us and I'm no different that anyone else who has faced this challenge. We are all one, and the illusion of "me" is just that. Sure, I had mononucleosis when I was a senior in High School, and who knows how I got that. I've been a vegetarian for the last two years, and only smoked cigarettes for a short experimental period in college. I know enough about biology that I understand that cell mutations happen, and that we may not really have any control over that. What can I control anyways? I can try to use my remaining time well, and that probably doesn't include watching "Breaking Bad." What else could I be doing while I'm waiting around for test results? Tomorrow I'm going to get together with a bunch of wise women and pray to my ancestors. I'm going to make some art in the form of Lithographic Prints. Today I'm going to be gentle with myself and simply be who I am. I am going to escape for a little while longer. It won't hurt anyone for me to just lie in bed alone for a while longer. I probably won't have much privacy for a while if this turns out to be cancer. And if it's not, then we'll all breathe a sign of relief and get back to the grind.

I've thought about posting on Facebook but I don't want this to be about getting attention or "likes" or any of that. This is to help others who are interested to know what it's like for me and to stay updated. I may overshare, but what's the point of keeping things to myself at this point?