Responsibilities

I feel remarkably good physically. I am so grateful and relieved about that. The prednisone that I'm taking definitely keeps me full of energy during the day and I'm able to wind down at the end of the night, too. I'm trying to get my priorities straight. I'm told my first priority has to be my health right now, and I believe that. I'm doing a good job so far of drinking at least the daily required 2 quarts of water, getting a good night's sleep, taking a daily walk, and eating small but frequent nutritious meals. There are still lots of other responsibilities tugging at me including financial and program management at work, outstanding school assignments, and getting our financial situation at home straightened out in the midst of lots of new medical bills. Those things are what I'm used to being responsible for, and it feels good to get things done at work, school, and at home. But it gets overwhelming when there's not enough time to do what needs to be done in each of those realms. I often feel like I'm disappointing someone (including myself) if I can't get something done in a timely matter or if I'm late for something. I let go of a few other obligations right after my diagnosis, by resigning from a board of directors and withdrawing a pending job application. I've also not been able to go to my drum ensemble rehearsals because I didn't have full range of motion in my right arm after the port was installed. Hopefully I can get back into that soon because it feeds my soul to play music with my friends. But the rehearsal schedule was pretty demanding and I'll have weekly medical appointments for a while taking up extra time.

I  had an interesting dream on Tuesday night, where I was going on a day hike into a jungle. I was with one of my drummer friends and an acquaintance from the sweat lodge ceremony Mark and I attend. All of my belongings were in the car at the trailhead, and we didn't have much with us on the hike. We did, however, have a horse with us. As we walked along we came to a wide canyon, filled with mist, that was clearly quite deep with a large river running at its base. There was a ramp on our side of the canyon so the drummer and I got on the horse and took a running leap over the gap, landing with no problem. The horse then took off into the jungle at our remaining hiking partner was left on the other side. He decided to take a running leap but faltered at the last moment. We watched him gracefully swan dive into the divide, and he made it all the way to our side, just slightly lower down the bluff. He found a vine and started climbing his way up to where we were. While he was doing that, I started making a mental inventory of our resources. I knew my cell phone was in the car, that we had no map. I asked my companions if they had any cash on them (as if that would have come in handy in the jungle!), and started thinking about edible plants we might encounter in the jungle. Then I woke up. After spending some time writing about this dream and applying it to my current situation, here's what I get from this. I've passed a threshold and I can't go back- starting chemotherapy? I have spiritual practices to support me in this process- music, community, prayer, meditation). I have skills and a plan to surpass this situation- I was a river guide, a high school teacher, I've run a half marathon. I already have everything I need to get through this. I am responsible for my own healing.